I have been thinking about the past since Saturday. Not exactly the long long long past but rather a reminiscence of who I was 2 years ago and now. Over the short span of 2 years, many things have changed... changes in my job, my thinking, my family status, my lifestyle etc etc etc.

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I guess having a family and a little sweetie pie has made me more family-oriented. Working in a student care and being able to have a deeper understanding of the children's inner world make me want to spend more time with my girl. Other than imparting academic knowledge, I try my best to inculcate values into them when appropriate. All these make me more confident of teaching my own girl and also, more aware of avoiding negative words and comments on her.

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I grew up in a family which did not inculcate love. Whatever I can remember from my childhood days revolved around money and how bad a child I was. I grew up believing I was uglier than everyone else and worse than everyone else even though I aced most of my subjects with little effort. I see the impact of the negativity on me even till today. No matter how I try to adjust my mindset, I can see the past haunting me now and then. Yet, I know I am not the ugly and stupid girl which Mum made me believe who I was for (at least) the past 20 odd years.

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The change in job indicates a change in lifestyle. I no longer indulge in my monthly ritual of manicure and pedicure, massage and facial. While I was talking to Darl yesterday, he reminded me that I could actually still indulge in such monthly rituals. He reminded me that I am a 'tai-tai' in some ways. HDB 'tai-tai'. Haha.

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Yes... Some people comment that I am getting nua. True. Though I am still as bitchy as ever (I will bite you to death if you ask for it), I am no loner aggressive. Well, what is there to be political or aggressive about in a student care? I have seen enough. Idiots are bound to be anywhere and everywhere. Instead of getting angry and upset over the smallest matter, I rather leave the whole matter alone. Leaving the matter the idiot alone means leaving her to rot. However, if she provokes me, I guarantee a deadly bite. My bite is as deadly as my bark.

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On the other hand, I have friends who envy me. Haha. Especially those who have been working so hard and yet see no light at the end of the tunnel. Reflecting on myself, I envy myself too. I have the luxury to choose to lead the lifestyle I am having now. I am not sure of the future though we have some plans in mind but I can see myself fulfilling my very initial dream of being a 'tai-tai'. I look forward to leading a similar lifestyle to Aunty Esther's. Nah... Not exactly in the indulgence in high quality stuff but rather, having all the time in the world to do what she likes. I look forward to spending a few hours of my day on work, manicure and pedicure, facial, high tea, window shopping and lastly time for some reading and painting.

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I do not have any great desire to be who I was 2 years ago. I had been there before. I do not miss who I was. I miss the times 2 years ago. I miss the times when all of us were still working at Robinson Centre. I miss our morning bitching in the pantry, the colourful emails, the daily lunch-ins, the take 5, the seminars nights and satay, the Friday bitching session, the squabbles in the office over work and artwork, the hard time with our fussy creative designer, the monthly mani and pedi/ massage during lunch break, the Old Chang Kee, chasing our stingy and particular Joanne for our paycheck, our motherly guardian Amilia, irritating Desmond who did all sort of pranks to my desk, telephone, displays, the forever cranky Andy and so many more. I miss those times...

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